Do you know those situations when you think you feel love (or have recently) for a person at the same time that you really despise their behavior? Well, that’s where I’m at right now. It might not even be her behavior so much as what my subjective interpretation is of it: whenever she shows some positive signs – a smile, a brief, a flattering remark, a yell of my name across a room full of people – I almost always tend to interpret it as no sign at all or a sign of her trying to play with me. But then I got this dream (with Nazis and stuff), and I think that explained a lot.
Just like the other day – she send a cell phone message ending with “Love X”. Now I know that “Love” doesn’t mean diddly squad – especially when it’s in English, and most likely she used that as part of her signature to a whole bunch of people she send messages to that day. But – and this is the important part – why wouldn’t she be a little more considerate of her wording when she knows she is communicating with a guy who at least has been interested in her. On the other hand, whenever she chooses to sit somewhere else than besides me, whenever she decides to say good bye to every one else and just wave at me briefly, whenever she asking me to do more work that was assigned to her – I feel utterly used, abused and… sad.
Last night I was dreaming. I now that cause my alarm clock went off at 5AM, and so I still remember parts of the dream. It was in black in white. The dream that is, and it must have been placed historically somewhere between the 1930s and 1950s. I was held captive in a Nazi tank and we were moving through Norway heading for the coast. I somehow had control over South Eastern areas of the world (Australia to middle east) and I had somehow “cut them off” from the whole thing. In the tank was me and at least one other person that had been caught by the Nazis, as we were talking in the plural (although it was me running the conversation). We tried to ask the Nazis to let us go (in English for some reason). The strange thing was that it turned out that also they were held captive and that the whole tank was being moved by some big anonymous force that was to ship us all of to an unknown destination. “You are free to go whereever you want to,” one of the black and white Nazis said – strangely without a German accent at all. However, there was nowhere to go. The tank was moved (on something I believe) and we could just look out and see the world happen as we drove by. I don’t know if they had just picked up this old tank – not checking whether people were inside, or whether we were the main cargo and the tank was just the container.
Suddenly we came to a place pronounced “Fossen” which was close to the coast. We were almost ready to leave on a container ship when we somehow got to see the headline of a local newspaper: “Vossen Daily News” (I don’t remember the exact title, but it was in English and “Fossen” was spelled with a “V” – which often is used in German instead of “F”). We immediately questioned that, and thought something was wrong here – was the country occupied by Germans or Anglo-Saxons? And then I woke up…
Now I think the main point of the dream was that both who is actually in charge and who appears to be is often not that simple. I felt I was somehow in charge of a few continents to the South East, but that would probably only last as long as I would not try to actually do anything there – with me held double-hostage in a tank on its way through Norway. The Nazis seemed to be in charge of us, and it was clearly in the time of the Nazi occupation of Norway – but when one inquired a little more into how much control they actually held, it became clear that they really didn’t even steer the tank we were sitting in and were happy to let us go if we somehow managed to escape. And culturally, the English newspaper title and the accent-free speech of the Nazis showed that despite the Nazi-German occupation, there was a strong cultural influence from yet another side – the “V” in “Fossen” questioned all that again and showed in the direction of at least some residues of Germanic influence. To top it all off- the black-and-whiteness of the Nazis is probably proof that I have been watching too much History Channel (a US American TV-station, focusing 90% on World War II veteran experiences and 10% on Nam + Korea).
Confusing, confusing, and so much like the real world. It led me to think: who is actually in charge, exerting power, in the case of that girl in real life. well, it seems to be her to start with, but when looking really careful, I realize that also I more often than not decide not to sit besides her or not to go to the meeting that she is attending, or just briefly nod when she enters the room. And looking even closer: to what degree am I actually genuinely interested? Might this rather be the big anonymous force that is moving us all along (with her being the Nazi that ‘appears’ to be in charge)? Is this the very structure of society or is there a conscious brain behind it all? Or is it really me who just concerns himself with this very small details – while really being the one having defined the situation in the first place? Is it maybe really me who makes this whole thing appear to be my main concern – while in reality my main aims lie somewhere completely different – in Australia? And maybe, it seems, there is another girl on the horizon. But more about that some other time.
Oh well, a strange dream – but I think it made me understand quite a bit of the real world. And for the nice police men that regularly visit my site from the domain name politiet.no ( translated: police.no): in this story there is one clue about a planned civil disobedience action. Try to see if you can find it! (and hire a computer expert in your surveillance department – your job so far lacks a lot in professionally!)
And now, I’m going off for Bergen!